well...months have passed since my last blog. procrastination fills the air and im only too accustomed to breathing it in. desperation has to supercede any of the paralyzing effects it has on my still developing lungs, before another word may find its way onto these pages. Oh the strength it must take for each little word to make its way here. the patience...endurance...willingness. so long they have waited, rally racing in my overcrowded mind, abseiling down the tip of tongue and free-falling from the edge of heart before this moment..when each one...fearless...may have its say.
oh how much it takes one to speak. the number of muscles that must be used- exercised. the time to construct a well-designed thought. the boldness to utter it. and on the other hand. how little it must take to keep silent. to shut oneself off from the scrutiny of friends and foes alike. to stay out of the lime light and far away from the over-zealous objective lens ever looming above- always ready to expose every flaw, every short-coming, every mistake.
well if you're anything like me, you put that macro-microscope in its place. somewhere between wanting to be better and assessing your life to make sure that you make God-honoring choices and decisions, somewhere between wanting to please God and wanting to please God more than you ever have...somewhere between all these things, you made yourself nothing more than a specimen. a small frozen creature trapped between a gigantic heavy glass coverslip your too small to lift and a giant glass slide you cannot escape from.
your every move is monitored. you psycho-analyse all you do and you set a standard of perfection that you cannot attain. and so failure comes fast and furiously. 25 years on this planet have proved to me that failure is inevitable. i fail myself daily. and sadly, i fail God just as often. how ridiculous that my failure always comes as such a surprise to me. it inactivates me. renders me a "failure". and i sneak into the shadows for fear of public ridicule. But God is teaching me a mind-blowing truth. 1. He knows i will fail and loves me still. 2. He knows my failures and still forgives them completely. and 3. It is better to have failed and learned from my failure than to fear failing to the point of never attempting anything for God. i am learning that to fear what man may think of me is foolish. There is an audience of only one. One that matters. One judge. One forgiver of sins. One Jehovah. One Yaweh.
oh that i would serve my God fearlessly. that i would speak out for Him fearlessly. that i would break this binding silence and overcome the debilitating fear of what people think of me. That all around me would fade to grey and i would see only the cross before me. oh for the day such longings are fulfilled. i long for that day still.
oh that i would serve my God fearlessly. that i would speak out for Him fearlessly. that i would break this binding silence and overcome the debilitating fear of what people think of me. That all around me would fade to grey and i would see only the cross before me. oh for the day such longings are fulfilled. i long for that day still.
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