i grow up...

Well its been a tough couple weeks since my last blog... My students have endured massive hardships since then. One finds herself in a fight against a rare, life-threatening and soul-destroying illness. She leaves school because she has to. Another loses her loved ones suddenly as so many students do- their young hearts unprepared. Many endure divorce procedures, 'choosing' whom to live with, 'choosing' whom to lose. Many fall into a depression deep and dark. I have never known any of these hardships. The doctors prescribe pain-killers and anti-depressants. They tell some they need to stay home and rest and others they need to keep busy and keep their minds off the problem. some are told to talk about it, others to let it go. Few are told how to face it all. Few hear the name of the One who sees their falling tears and stretches out His hand. Many haven't smiled for weeks..some longer. Some aren't recognizable. My heart breaks to see their pain. outcasts. lonely. broken. driven. They cut themselves to 'dull the hurt'. They stop eating. They stand on the outside of laughing circles of 'ordinary' girls too long, and soon they close themselves off. retreat. hide. Shut themselves away from the 'normality' they see around them. The ordinary they long for but can't have..

I try. I greet them but my words are few. I hold them sometimes- tell them it will be all right. but i don't and can't identify with what they have known. i stick little notes in their bags when they leave to let them know I'm praying for them but it hardly seems enough. Sometimes they approach me. their eyes filled with pain but no words will suffice- their tears come quickly. And we cry. They leave...and I cry.

So inadequate. So unrehearsed. Unprepared. Unexperienced. So young when I shouldn't be. Younger than I'd realised.

If I didn't know that God had put me in this school...if I didn't know that his grace was sufficient...if i didnt know that he doesn't call those who are equipped but equips those He calls...i couldn't face it all. The enemy is quick to expose my faults. my shortcomings. Aah he seeks to break my spirit, illuminate all that i am not. maybe then, i guess he thinks, i will be rendered unusable and God himself will discard this broken instrument which could never be played.

i smile at the thought. How great is our God. He takes the broken and makes it new. He molds and shapes and builds. To the core, He is the Creator of all. He uses what ever i am and makes me into whatever He needs. How can i doubt that?doubt Him? Like Eve, the enemy tempts me to question the purpose of my Creator, Father, King, but His voice calls too loudly for me to be deceived. He wants me as i am! He knows it will me mean me growing up over night. He knows it will mean me transforming into something i am not. He knows. And He calls still. Like a great composer He hears the symphony He is preparing to use me in, long before a single note fills the air..

You are usable to God as you are! the things He calls you too may be bigger than the things you are prepared for. they may stretch you to the end of yourself. but do not be deceived when the enemy tries to overwhelm you with your inadequacies. We serve a mighty God able to use you in spite of who you are or were or in your opinion could never be. the demons must shudder at the thought of the masterpiece the Master prepares to use you in. expect the enemy to try to distract you from what our God himself, has planned for you. you were created for this purpose..for now..for here..for this moment. That you may honor Him, glorify Him, embrace Him, expose Him as the mighty God through your weaknesses and inabilities. You were created to answer the call He sends to your heart on this very day...just as you are..just as i was...