i change....

Been thinking a lot recently about what God demands from me and what true worship is. its funny how often we make our service to God into something it could and should never be. if you think like i do, you've realised that service to God is no option. Romans 12:1 "Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship." God's mercy was soo greatly poured out on us that for us to offer our bodies as living sacrifices to Him (offer Him our time, our money, our skills and talents)....for us to offer Him everything we possibly could...it would do nothing more than graze the surface of our debt to Him. We don't even question the fact that the great love of Christ demands a life of service.

somehow tho... somehow as we tirelessly endeavour to serve our God...i've began to realise that we get caught up in the many things we want and lose sight of what God wants. We want people to do things our way. we want things to reach the standard of perfection we often have. we want recognition for all we do for God and moreover we want to please people. we want them to like us... But God has been pointing out all the things that need changing in my life. My service to God has to be about God, not about me. i now know that if i truly understand and live by this statement it means i sometimes have to lay aside things that others might not think i should lay aside, i sometimes have to do things that others might not think i should do and i sometimes have to disappoint people, offend people and disagree with people. People are sometimes not gonna be pleased with me. Friends, family...but this is something i have to do to be a living sacrifice, to live for God alone.

it hurts to realise that friends and family whom you love may not always support you when you make changes you believe God wants you to make. but i've come to realise that my very purpose is to please my God, to put Him first, not man. i'm 25 and i feel as though my life to this point has been in vain because i have spent it living for myself and not for God. i suddenly realised one day that i had forsaken my first love. i realised it was time for change.

when i thought about this stuff at the start of this year God opened my eyes to see how cluttered my life had become with unnecessary things....i was seeking to please people, friends and family and not God. i was running from one activity to the next yet and i had no time to just rest and spend time with God.in the end i was miserable and i was exhausted. my life was not pleasing God. this was a little extract i came across once in a magazine...

"One day you finally knew What you had to do, and began Though the voices around you Kept shouting Their bad advice - Though the whole house Began to tremble And you felt the old tug At your ankles "Mend my life!"Each voice cried. But you didn't stop. You knew what you had to do, Though the wind pried With its stiff fingers At the very foundations, Though their melancholy Was terrible. It was already late Enough, and a wild night, And the road full of fallen stones. But little by little, As you left their voices behind, The stars began to burn Through the sheets of clouds, And there was a new voice, Which you slowly recognized as your own, That kept you company As you strode deeper and deeper Into the world, Determined to do The only thing you could do - Determined to save The only life you could save." By Mary Oliver

well we know we cannot save our lives, ( John 12:25 "The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.") but i realised at the start of this year that i had to let go of the things consuming my life and holding me back from achieving things for God- from offering my body as a living sacrifice...i had to allow God to strip away all the things in my life that robbed me of a true life of worship for Him. i had to make time so that i could 'be still and know that He is God'. Change has begun. It hasn't been an easy road to this point, but I for one am greatful.. Are there things in your life that are taking your time and energy away from God? Are there things that you need to let go of so that you can truly be a living sacrifice? Is God stirring your heart even now to change? Does God Himself dare you to move? Do it today.

i am fearfully and wonderfully made...

if you ever wondered how much God knew about you, cared about you, loved you...if you ever thought you get by completely on your own and you are the only one looking out for you....may you realise that you were never your own...you are the design of a Master Creator- the God of the universe...He knows you better than you know yourself....and me...i'm smiling at the thought.

Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, ^[a] you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to ^[b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.

21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?

22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

i yield....

well...its late tuesday and the last lesson of the afternoon...i'm all but beaming from ear to ear. my mind races with all that God is trying to teach me. a seemingly uneventful day has found me etching words across a page, drinking tea in this scorching heat, listening to the whistling breeze but unable to feel its cool whisper on my neck...

all i can smell is lavender. they've recently been tearing (and i mean tearing) all alien plants out of our school gardens (now indigenous-plant-only zones) and all members of our biology department had to rush to the side of the ailing lavender plantation lying limp in the pathway, before a hundred plus bustling girls trod the life out of them. my car boot (trunk for american friends) is bursting with evidence of the rescue. whether they can be saved or not will have to be seen.

what a picture of our lives i suddenly thought as i packed the last fading branch in. God knows whats best for us doesn't He. He is the great designer. The master craftsmen. The Gardener. He weaves together the complex tapestry of our marked days on this earth and looks at the full picture from His throne. All that He does is good. sometimes sin like the alien plants creep into our lives. The gardener did not put it there. Like a threatening weed it saps the life from every plant that belongs in the garden. it starts to destroy everything that the Gardener has so tenderly nurtured. The newly developed shoots whither first, then in time even the well- established ones are suffocated by this growing abomination. Oh how the Gardener's heart must bleed at the sight of it. The Garden is hardly even recognisable to him. But still He toils to save it. Night and day He works. He never sleeps. He does what ever He must to save His beloved creation. He is determined to see the work He began to completion.

It's funny how the passer-by doesn't see anything wrong at all with the garden. The alien plants are not always hideously ugly. Sometimes, like the lavender, they have a beautiful fragrance and people all around think it would even be nice to plant them in the garden. They look at the outward appearances. But the Gardener looks deeper. He sees what the alien plants (and what sin) will do to the garden (God's creation). And so the time comes where He must take drastic measures. With loving hands the Gardener must remove every plant that does not belong in His creation. Sometimes they are not well-rooted and the garden will be unnaffected by this removal. But sometimes the roots of the alien plants, like our sin, run so deep that the garden grieves to loose them. the garden has become so dependant on the very thing that seeks to destroy it, that it will not give it up easily- not even to the hands of the Gardener Himself.The garden rejects the Gardener!

to think of the many times i have found myself in this very place. so many times things crowd my life that have no place there. they steal my time and energy, and they sap the life from me- diminishing my usefulness to God. Man looks at my outward appearance and sees someone who appears to have a close relationship with the Lord. but only God sees my heart and knows the many sins that lie beneath the surface. only He knows about the many things that i have allowed to creep in and choke the life from the seeds of righteousness He has planted. drastic measures must be taken if i am to ever return to my first love- to my God, my kinsmen redeemer. sometimes I must be brought to the place where i yield such things to the Lord and confess it as sin before Him and sadly, because of my own pride and arrogance, sometimes the God who loves me enough to lay down His life for me- who calls me His daughter- must pry such things out of my clutching hands. it saddens me to recall how many times things have had to be pried from my grasp. How highly i must view myself. How many times i must have hurt my God.

How deep the Fathers love for us-I say again- How vast beyond all measure!

1 John 3:1 "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!"

Ever thought about how much God must love you? Ever marveled at His patience ,forgiveness, tenderness and unfailing ability to take us back into His arms time and time again? today i can say, i have.

i wish...

I wish i had the discipline to write more often. youth camp 2007 happened in december last year and God blew my mind during those two weeks. i prayed hard as the time for our camps drew nearer and God was truly gracious in allowing 9 of my students to join us at camp. two were saved before and by the end of camp, one had earnestly recommitted her life to the Lord. but that was just the beginning. in the days that followed God gave me the privelege of leading 7 more of my students to the Lord and im about to begin a discipleship with 22 girls at my school, including those 7, in the form of a beginners bible study. if you read this blog, please pray for this ministry i beg you. only God can make this endeavor fruitful.

at the start of this year i started a bachelor of theology part-time through baptist bible college. i can't tell you the difference it has made in my personal study of God's word, my willingness to serve the Lord and even my view of our God and His word. What a privilege to learn from the word of God so open and my thoughts immediately go to countries like China, where a study of this sort would never be possible. Please pray for the Chinese people and for the many missionaries there who go so willingly, leaving all that they know behind to share Christ with a people hungry for His love.

this year also saw me having my first very own registration class (Grade 11TI). What fun to try and love these girls, even tho i may not always be able to share Christ openly with them as a class. i have learned that they appreciate a stand to be different and to strong Christian values and morals. it encourages them to ask me questions about serving God when a quiet moment arises and i am ever grateful to the Lord for these valuable opportunities. i am ever aware through these circumstances that it is Christ who initiates a relationship with us. even though we sometimes never realise it, it is God who seeks us first. He stirs our hearts. He reveals Himself to us through nature. He prompts us. and in turn we respond and seek Him out. What a beautiful picture. to think that the God of the universe sees such value in us that He would pursue us. i think of the verse that says "what is man that you are mindful of Him?"(Psalm 8:4) "How deep the Father's love for us. How vast beyond all measure. That He would give His only Son. And make a wretch His treasure."

Well the students i encounter every day don't seem to know this basic truth. they see no value in themselves. nothing worth loving. nothing worth pursuing. they believe their opinions don't matter. some hide in their silence.some hide in their image and some hide because they feel that no-one would notice if they did. i needed this to change if they were to ever be able to see their need for God. they need to know "agape' love"...God's love. i had the girls write 3 or 4 statements down and then i put this classroom policy together....

Classroom Policy

You will find no girls in this classroom…

only women.

Women of integrity. Women of power.

We strive for a future with NO regrets.

We give RESPECT to earn RESPECT.

We believe that TOGETHER we achieve more.

We KNOW our rights.

The RIGHT to speak…and so we each have an opinion worth sharing.

The RIGHT to be heard and so we listen to each voice in this room,

however quiet.

The RIGHT to learn and so we value our education…

we do not underestimate its role in what we want from this life.

Our rights EMPOWER us.

Amandla Awethu (The power is OURS).

EACH woman in this room is one of BEAUTY.

If we do not or cannot see that, NO man ever will. We learn to look harder, deeper, to see each other behind the walls we once put up.

Though we each look different, unique, we DO NOT discriminate, disrespect, criticize or ridicule-

we’ve each known to much of this outside these four walls.

Instead, we ENCOURAGE, we COMPLIMENT,

we DRIVE each other FORWARD.

In here, we DREAM, we BELIEVE and WE WILL ACHIEVE.

Finally.. we DO NOT FEAR the road ahead.

Though darkness may come, it cannot last...

The sun shines too brightly above us.

THE FUTURE IS OURS.

i pray that by the end of the year my students can say that this classroom policy truly reflects the attitude of their hearts. but my prayer for them is so much more. i pray that they may find that they have value in Christ. they have an identity in Christ and that if they are willing, they may have freedom from sin and eternal life in Christ. i pray that they may see Christ in me and that God may spare me, however long it may take, to one day see Christ in them..what a thought :)what a day that would be:)

i long...

well...months have passed since my last blog. procrastination fills the air and im only too accustomed to breathing it in. desperation has to supercede any of the paralyzing effects it has on my still developing lungs, before another word may find its way onto these pages. Oh the strength it must take for each little word to make its way here. the patience...endurance...willingness. so long they have waited, rally racing in my overcrowded mind, abseiling down the tip of tongue and free-falling from the edge of heart before this moment..when each one...fearless...may have its say.

oh how much it takes one to speak. the number of muscles that must be used- exercised. the time to construct a well-designed thought. the boldness to utter it. and on the other hand. how little it must take to keep silent. to shut oneself off from the scrutiny of friends and foes alike. to stay out of the lime light and far away from the over-zealous objective lens ever looming above- always ready to expose every flaw, every short-coming, every mistake.

well if you're anything like me, you put that macro-microscope in its place. somewhere between wanting to be better and assessing your life to make sure that you make God-honoring choices and decisions, somewhere between wanting to please God and wanting to please God more than you ever have...somewhere between all these things, you made yourself nothing more than a specimen. a small frozen creature trapped between a gigantic heavy glass coverslip your too small to lift and a giant glass slide you cannot escape from.

your every move is monitored. you psycho-analyse all you do and you set a standard of perfection that you cannot attain. and so failure comes fast and furiously. 25 years on this planet have proved to me that failure is inevitable. i fail myself daily. and sadly, i fail God just as often. how ridiculous that my failure always comes as such a surprise to me. it inactivates me. renders me a "failure". and i sneak into the shadows for fear of public ridicule. But God is teaching me a mind-blowing truth. 1. He knows i will fail and loves me still. 2. He knows my failures and still forgives them completely. and 3. It is better to have failed and learned from my failure than to fear failing to the point of never attempting anything for God. i am learning that to fear what man may think of me is foolish. There is an audience of only one. One that matters. One judge. One forgiver of sins. One Jehovah. One Yaweh.

oh that i would serve my God fearlessly. that i would speak out for Him fearlessly. that i would break this binding silence and overcome the debilitating fear of what people think of me. That all around me would fade to grey and i would see only the cross before me. oh for the day such longings are fulfilled. i long for that day still.

i grow up...

Well its been a tough couple weeks since my last blog... My students have endured massive hardships since then. One finds herself in a fight against a rare, life-threatening and soul-destroying illness. She leaves school because she has to. Another loses her loved ones suddenly as so many students do- their young hearts unprepared. Many endure divorce procedures, 'choosing' whom to live with, 'choosing' whom to lose. Many fall into a depression deep and dark. I have never known any of these hardships. The doctors prescribe pain-killers and anti-depressants. They tell some they need to stay home and rest and others they need to keep busy and keep their minds off the problem. some are told to talk about it, others to let it go. Few are told how to face it all. Few hear the name of the One who sees their falling tears and stretches out His hand. Many haven't smiled for weeks..some longer. Some aren't recognizable. My heart breaks to see their pain. outcasts. lonely. broken. driven. They cut themselves to 'dull the hurt'. They stop eating. They stand on the outside of laughing circles of 'ordinary' girls too long, and soon they close themselves off. retreat. hide. Shut themselves away from the 'normality' they see around them. The ordinary they long for but can't have..

I try. I greet them but my words are few. I hold them sometimes- tell them it will be all right. but i don't and can't identify with what they have known. i stick little notes in their bags when they leave to let them know I'm praying for them but it hardly seems enough. Sometimes they approach me. their eyes filled with pain but no words will suffice- their tears come quickly. And we cry. They leave...and I cry.

So inadequate. So unrehearsed. Unprepared. Unexperienced. So young when I shouldn't be. Younger than I'd realised.

If I didn't know that God had put me in this school...if I didn't know that his grace was sufficient...if i didnt know that he doesn't call those who are equipped but equips those He calls...i couldn't face it all. The enemy is quick to expose my faults. my shortcomings. Aah he seeks to break my spirit, illuminate all that i am not. maybe then, i guess he thinks, i will be rendered unusable and God himself will discard this broken instrument which could never be played.

i smile at the thought. How great is our God. He takes the broken and makes it new. He molds and shapes and builds. To the core, He is the Creator of all. He uses what ever i am and makes me into whatever He needs. How can i doubt that?doubt Him? Like Eve, the enemy tempts me to question the purpose of my Creator, Father, King, but His voice calls too loudly for me to be deceived. He wants me as i am! He knows it will me mean me growing up over night. He knows it will mean me transforming into something i am not. He knows. And He calls still. Like a great composer He hears the symphony He is preparing to use me in, long before a single note fills the air..

You are usable to God as you are! the things He calls you too may be bigger than the things you are prepared for. they may stretch you to the end of yourself. but do not be deceived when the enemy tries to overwhelm you with your inadequacies. We serve a mighty God able to use you in spite of who you are or were or in your opinion could never be. the demons must shudder at the thought of the masterpiece the Master prepares to use you in. expect the enemy to try to distract you from what our God himself, has planned for you. you were created for this purpose..for now..for here..for this moment. That you may honor Him, glorify Him, embrace Him, expose Him as the mighty God through your weaknesses and inabilities. You were created to answer the call He sends to your heart on this very day...just as you are..just as i was...

i pray...

Romans 12

1Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. 2Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Ever had one of those days/ weeks/ months where God just seems to be drumming a passage of scripture into your head? A not so subtle message He is determined for you to hear. Well these past few weeks have left me saturated in this passage. Every bible study and sermon, every devotion, song, choice that I have to face, even pieces of random advice from people I respect have been rooted in these words. It fills my head and dominates my thoughts..

I want to be the living sacrifice described here. Such a spiritual act of worship is at the very least what God deserves from me. To not lay my time, my energy, my hopes, my dreams, my desires, my aspirations, and even my decisions, on the alter of sacrifice..to hold anything back would be an insult, an offense in view of what God has done for me. How we fool ourselves into thinking we owe God our lives when in fact we owe Him so much more. Sadly our meager existence, our everyday attempt at worship is all we can offer. We fall so far short of what 'a fair exchange' would be for the cross..and because we fall so far..God's grace is so profound, so undeserved..so amazing.

Know at least 5 friends who will understand this because they're in the same position.. I'm 25 years old. I had my own hopes and dreams, aspirations for this stage of my life. I wanted to be married maybe have kids..at the very least I wanted to be living in my own apartment, driving my own car, be in a relationship I could be certain would end in marriage. Right now I have none of these things. If I were to focus all my time and energy on pursuing them, maybe there's a chance I could have them in a short time but it would take a sacrifice. To gain these things i would have to offer my time, my energy, my hopes, my dreams, my aspirations on an alter...to myself. I would be offering my body as a living sacrifice..to myself. And if such an offering is a spiritual act of worship, then the pursuit of such things would be a declaration of worship..to myself. Am i worthy of worship? and wouldn't worship of myself be the equivalent of making myself an idol. To do these things in pursuit of my own wants and desires would be a 'living' sacrifice which should instead be offered to the Living God. Something i think God wants me to think about. God's Word says that " ..we know all things work together for the good to them who love Him...( Romans 8:28) ". He says "seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you.(Matthew 6:33) " I know God loves me and knows whats best for me. I know that if it was God's will, He'd give me these things in His time and it is not wrong to desire such things. But I also know that to desire them to the point that they take the place of my worship to God and replace them with the worship of self, is wrong. God must come first. Its His rightful place in our lives. Maybe He will add these things to us when we learn to offer Him our living sacrifice, to offer Him ourselves.

My uncle once preached a sermon on God's will and i remember Him saying this profound statement: "From the moment we are born we are dying. The same thing that you are so busy living for, is in fact the thing you're dying for. Make sure that what you live for is worth dying for."

I pray we learn to give God His rightful place in our lives. I pray we learn to offer Him our living sacrifice, because He alone is worthy. I pray we not only recognise the cause of Christ as a cause worth dying for, but a cause worth living for. May we offer Him each and everyday, every breath and every heartbeat. May He take us to the point where we hold nothing back.