i grow up...

Well its been a tough couple weeks since my last blog... My students have endured massive hardships since then. One finds herself in a fight against a rare, life-threatening and soul-destroying illness. She leaves school because she has to. Another loses her loved ones suddenly as so many students do- their young hearts unprepared. Many endure divorce procedures, 'choosing' whom to live with, 'choosing' whom to lose. Many fall into a depression deep and dark. I have never known any of these hardships. The doctors prescribe pain-killers and anti-depressants. They tell some they need to stay home and rest and others they need to keep busy and keep their minds off the problem. some are told to talk about it, others to let it go. Few are told how to face it all. Few hear the name of the One who sees their falling tears and stretches out His hand. Many haven't smiled for weeks..some longer. Some aren't recognizable. My heart breaks to see their pain. outcasts. lonely. broken. driven. They cut themselves to 'dull the hurt'. They stop eating. They stand on the outside of laughing circles of 'ordinary' girls too long, and soon they close themselves off. retreat. hide. Shut themselves away from the 'normality' they see around them. The ordinary they long for but can't have..

I try. I greet them but my words are few. I hold them sometimes- tell them it will be all right. but i don't and can't identify with what they have known. i stick little notes in their bags when they leave to let them know I'm praying for them but it hardly seems enough. Sometimes they approach me. their eyes filled with pain but no words will suffice- their tears come quickly. And we cry. They leave...and I cry.

So inadequate. So unrehearsed. Unprepared. Unexperienced. So young when I shouldn't be. Younger than I'd realised.

If I didn't know that God had put me in this school...if I didn't know that his grace was sufficient...if i didnt know that he doesn't call those who are equipped but equips those He calls...i couldn't face it all. The enemy is quick to expose my faults. my shortcomings. Aah he seeks to break my spirit, illuminate all that i am not. maybe then, i guess he thinks, i will be rendered unusable and God himself will discard this broken instrument which could never be played.

i smile at the thought. How great is our God. He takes the broken and makes it new. He molds and shapes and builds. To the core, He is the Creator of all. He uses what ever i am and makes me into whatever He needs. How can i doubt that?doubt Him? Like Eve, the enemy tempts me to question the purpose of my Creator, Father, King, but His voice calls too loudly for me to be deceived. He wants me as i am! He knows it will me mean me growing up over night. He knows it will mean me transforming into something i am not. He knows. And He calls still. Like a great composer He hears the symphony He is preparing to use me in, long before a single note fills the air..

You are usable to God as you are! the things He calls you too may be bigger than the things you are prepared for. they may stretch you to the end of yourself. but do not be deceived when the enemy tries to overwhelm you with your inadequacies. We serve a mighty God able to use you in spite of who you are or were or in your opinion could never be. the demons must shudder at the thought of the masterpiece the Master prepares to use you in. expect the enemy to try to distract you from what our God himself, has planned for you. you were created for this purpose..for now..for here..for this moment. That you may honor Him, glorify Him, embrace Him, expose Him as the mighty God through your weaknesses and inabilities. You were created to answer the call He sends to your heart on this very day...just as you are..just as i was...

i pray...

Romans 12

1Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. 2Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Ever had one of those days/ weeks/ months where God just seems to be drumming a passage of scripture into your head? A not so subtle message He is determined for you to hear. Well these past few weeks have left me saturated in this passage. Every bible study and sermon, every devotion, song, choice that I have to face, even pieces of random advice from people I respect have been rooted in these words. It fills my head and dominates my thoughts..

I want to be the living sacrifice described here. Such a spiritual act of worship is at the very least what God deserves from me. To not lay my time, my energy, my hopes, my dreams, my desires, my aspirations, and even my decisions, on the alter of sacrifice..to hold anything back would be an insult, an offense in view of what God has done for me. How we fool ourselves into thinking we owe God our lives when in fact we owe Him so much more. Sadly our meager existence, our everyday attempt at worship is all we can offer. We fall so far short of what 'a fair exchange' would be for the cross..and because we fall so far..God's grace is so profound, so undeserved..so amazing.

Know at least 5 friends who will understand this because they're in the same position.. I'm 25 years old. I had my own hopes and dreams, aspirations for this stage of my life. I wanted to be married maybe have kids..at the very least I wanted to be living in my own apartment, driving my own car, be in a relationship I could be certain would end in marriage. Right now I have none of these things. If I were to focus all my time and energy on pursuing them, maybe there's a chance I could have them in a short time but it would take a sacrifice. To gain these things i would have to offer my time, my energy, my hopes, my dreams, my aspirations on an alter...to myself. I would be offering my body as a living sacrifice..to myself. And if such an offering is a spiritual act of worship, then the pursuit of such things would be a declaration of worship..to myself. Am i worthy of worship? and wouldn't worship of myself be the equivalent of making myself an idol. To do these things in pursuit of my own wants and desires would be a 'living' sacrifice which should instead be offered to the Living God. Something i think God wants me to think about. God's Word says that " ..we know all things work together for the good to them who love Him...( Romans 8:28) ". He says "seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you.(Matthew 6:33) " I know God loves me and knows whats best for me. I know that if it was God's will, He'd give me these things in His time and it is not wrong to desire such things. But I also know that to desire them to the point that they take the place of my worship to God and replace them with the worship of self, is wrong. God must come first. Its His rightful place in our lives. Maybe He will add these things to us when we learn to offer Him our living sacrifice, to offer Him ourselves.

My uncle once preached a sermon on God's will and i remember Him saying this profound statement: "From the moment we are born we are dying. The same thing that you are so busy living for, is in fact the thing you're dying for. Make sure that what you live for is worth dying for."

I pray we learn to give God His rightful place in our lives. I pray we learn to offer Him our living sacrifice, because He alone is worthy. I pray we not only recognise the cause of Christ as a cause worth dying for, but a cause worth living for. May we offer Him each and everyday, every breath and every heartbeat. May He take us to the point where we hold nothing back.

i want....

I want to be more. Thinking about it now as I sit here and all I want to be, is more..Somehow with all I am, with all I spend my time striving to be..somehow..I'm not enough. I fall so far short of what God desires me to be. So far short of the standard described in His word, that I fear the moments when I can sit back and assess my life. Moments that remind me that with all my running around to play my part in different ministries, with all my effort to maintain Godly relationships, with all my intentions to do things God's way.. I am still not enough. Somewhere along the line something must go wrong..a point must be reached somewhere in the equation when i move from my dependence on God's strength alone to a dependence on my own. It's disappointing to think that I would make such a juvenile error. Should I not know better by now? Do I really think that I could do it on my own?Do I really think such an offering could please God?

My strength is not enough as I am not enough. The world tells me I should be strong and independant. Even today I have family, students, collegues asking me what I want. What are my goals? Where do I see myself in the future? They tell me the mature individual knows exactly what they want and they take it. Like a prize waiting to be seized. They have focus and drive and it makes them successful. Well I've studied degrees just like these supposedly mature individuals have. I've had careers in mind like they have. Gone for interviews like they have. Gotten a good position in a company like they have. But I've earned none of these titles. I've followed the exact step-by-step guideline they've put in place but I have never known the focus, drive or success they spoke of, let alone the happiness I so craved. My own strength was not enough then just as it is not enough now. Now I know the scenario to be quite the opposite. God wants me to see myself as weak so that i can learn to lean on His strength. He wants me to see myself as dependent, sustained by the hand of God himself and not by my own devices. He wants me to hand any hopes or goals for the future over to Him and to live day to day on knowledge that He is directing my steps one at a time. Any focus or drive I need should be found in Him alone... "For in Him, we live and move and have our being". Acts 17: 28. How can I tell people where I see myself in the future if God has not revealed it to me yet.

Does this mean to say I live my life without drive or focus. No. Does it mean to say that I live my life having never tasted success. No. Does it mean to say I live my life as a weak, needy individual who cannot survive the harsh reality of this world. No. Instead, God gives me more and more direction with each day that I profess to need His guidance. Like the man who at last can admit he's lost and needs help to find His way, God does not steer me on life's course unwillingly but waits until I seek His leadership first. It may be humbling for me to admit that I don't know where He wants to lead me even now..but He is teaching me patience, humility, submission to authority. He is molding the character of the girl who was once a 'know-it-all'. As for success.. there are times when it can be frustrating faithfully doing your best when it seems it is just not good enough. You know what i mean if you've applied for tons of jobs in your field and never received one. If you've been working hard to lead a youth ministry week after week but hardly any kids come. If you've shared the gospel with a good friend on numerous occasions but he/she just isn't interested. In my own life i know God allows these little apparent failures to teach me to have perseverance, hope and confidence in the sovereignty of God. In His perfect time He gives us the 'successes' we long to see. A better job than what we'd hope for. A burst of new kids through the church doors for youth and the willingness of a defiant friend to come to church on what may be the 10th invite.

As for weakness, well God wants me to know His strength in every situation. If I could do things in my own strength, navigate my way through the maze of life on my own resources, how would I ever realise my need for God. Maybe my very weakness is what exposes the strength of God in my own life. Maybe my weaknesses are at the very route of a life-changing testimony. And maybe exposing them to people would not only expose an individual who needs the one true, gracious and merciful God-a God who is slow to anger and rich in love- but an individual who is weak, needy and dependent on the strength of this God for survival. I want to be more patient, more humble, more submissive to God's authority. I want to persevere more, have more hope, be more confident in the sovereignty of God. I want to be more weak in and of myself...because I want to be more strong in the Lord. Maybe if I can just be less, God can make me more.

i begin....

Friends:)

Wow.. Can't believe I finally started this today..it's been on my mind and in my head for so long...I desperately needed a new voice..one that couldn't be silenced or abruptly interrupted.I pray that this might be a long-lasting relationship.Maybe my thoughts on love, life and God mirror your own..maybe you will hear your own words falling on these blank pages and be inspired to put some down yourself in time..we will see what journey, here awaits us:)

I am sure the initial steps taken here will be done so with caution...even now i worry about the endless opportunities this presents for misinterpretation of my intentions..the endless opportunity for offense and worse-still, for hurt..I mean none. I am learning daily..God is molding me constantly and directing my steps one at a time...I pull away at times even now, my strength of character a hindrance in my own growth...but slowly..gradually and purposefully- I learn to rest in Him, to rely on His strength alone, to submit, to surrender and to be still. The one, true God seeks a relationship with me.. and I am determined to seek one with Him..

A new chapter begins here..these pages are blank just like so many pages of my life lay unwritten..'the author and perfector of my faith' poised..waiting to write them...