I want to be more. Thinking about it now as I sit here and all I want to be, is more..Somehow with all I am, with all I spend my time striving to be..somehow..I'm not enough. I fall so far short of what God desires me to be. So far short of the standard described in His word, that I fear the moments when I can sit back and assess my life. Moments that remind me that with all my running around to play my part in different ministries, with all my effort to maintain Godly relationships, with all my intentions to do things God's way.. I am still not enough. Somewhere along the line something must go wrong..a point must be reached somewhere in the equation when i move from my dependence on God's strength alone to a dependence on my own. It's disappointing to think that I would make such a juvenile error. Should I not know better by now? Do I really think that I could do it on my own?Do I really think such an offering could please God?
My strength is not enough as I am not enough. The world tells me I should be strong and independant. Even today I have family, students, collegues asking me what I want. What are my goals? Where do I see myself in the future? They tell me the mature individual knows exactly what they want and they take it. Like a prize waiting to be seized. They have focus and drive and it makes them successful. Well I've studied degrees just like these supposedly mature individuals have. I've had careers in mind like they have. Gone for interviews like they have. Gotten a good position in a company like they have. But I've earned none of these titles. I've followed the exact step-by-step guideline they've put in place but I have never known the focus, drive or success they spoke of, let alone the happiness I so craved. My own strength was not enough then just as it is not enough now. Now I know the scenario to be quite the opposite. God wants me to see myself as weak so that i can learn to lean on His strength. He wants me to see myself as dependent, sustained by the hand of God himself and not by my own devices. He wants me to hand any hopes or goals for the future over to Him and to live day to day on knowledge that He is directing my steps one at a time. Any focus or drive I need should be found in Him alone... "For in Him, we live and move and have our being". Acts 17: 28. How can I tell people where I see myself in the future if God has not revealed it to me yet.
Does this mean to say I live my life without drive or focus. No. Does it mean to say that I live my life having never tasted success. No. Does it mean to say I live my life as a weak, needy individual who cannot survive the harsh reality of this world. No. Instead, God gives me more and more direction with each day that I profess to need His guidance. Like the man who at last can admit he's lost and needs help to find His way, God does not steer me on life's course unwillingly but waits until I seek His leadership first. It may be humbling for me to admit that I don't know where He wants to lead me even now..but He is teaching me patience, humility, submission to authority. He is molding the character of the girl who was once a 'know-it-all'. As for success.. there are times when it can be frustrating faithfully doing your best when it seems it is just not good enough. You know what i mean if you've applied for tons of jobs in your field and never received one. If you've been working hard to lead a youth ministry week after week but hardly any kids come. If you've shared the gospel with a good friend on numerous occasions but he/she just isn't interested. In my own life i know God allows these little apparent failures to teach me to have perseverance, hope and confidence in the sovereignty of God. In His perfect time He gives us the 'successes' we long to see. A better job than what we'd hope for. A burst of new kids through the church doors for youth and the willingness of a defiant friend to come to church on what may be the 10th invite.
As for weakness, well God wants me to know His strength in every situation. If I could do things in my own strength, navigate my way through the maze of life on my own resources, how would I ever realise my need for God. Maybe my very weakness is what exposes the strength of God in my own life. Maybe my weaknesses are at the very route of a life-changing testimony. And maybe exposing them to people would not only expose an individual who needs the one true, gracious and merciful God-a God who is slow to anger and rich in love- but an individual who is weak, needy and dependent on the strength of this God for survival. I want to be more patient, more humble, more submissive to God's authority. I want to persevere more, have more hope, be more confident in the sovereignty of God. I want to be more weak in and of myself...because I want to be more strong in the Lord. Maybe if I can just be less, God can make me more.
My strength is not enough as I am not enough. The world tells me I should be strong and independant. Even today I have family, students, collegues asking me what I want. What are my goals? Where do I see myself in the future? They tell me the mature individual knows exactly what they want and they take it. Like a prize waiting to be seized. They have focus and drive and it makes them successful. Well I've studied degrees just like these supposedly mature individuals have. I've had careers in mind like they have. Gone for interviews like they have. Gotten a good position in a company like they have. But I've earned none of these titles. I've followed the exact step-by-step guideline they've put in place but I have never known the focus, drive or success they spoke of, let alone the happiness I so craved. My own strength was not enough then just as it is not enough now. Now I know the scenario to be quite the opposite. God wants me to see myself as weak so that i can learn to lean on His strength. He wants me to see myself as dependent, sustained by the hand of God himself and not by my own devices. He wants me to hand any hopes or goals for the future over to Him and to live day to day on knowledge that He is directing my steps one at a time. Any focus or drive I need should be found in Him alone... "For in Him, we live and move and have our being". Acts 17: 28. How can I tell people where I see myself in the future if God has not revealed it to me yet.
Does this mean to say I live my life without drive or focus. No. Does it mean to say that I live my life having never tasted success. No. Does it mean to say I live my life as a weak, needy individual who cannot survive the harsh reality of this world. No. Instead, God gives me more and more direction with each day that I profess to need His guidance. Like the man who at last can admit he's lost and needs help to find His way, God does not steer me on life's course unwillingly but waits until I seek His leadership first. It may be humbling for me to admit that I don't know where He wants to lead me even now..but He is teaching me patience, humility, submission to authority. He is molding the character of the girl who was once a 'know-it-all'. As for success.. there are times when it can be frustrating faithfully doing your best when it seems it is just not good enough. You know what i mean if you've applied for tons of jobs in your field and never received one. If you've been working hard to lead a youth ministry week after week but hardly any kids come. If you've shared the gospel with a good friend on numerous occasions but he/she just isn't interested. In my own life i know God allows these little apparent failures to teach me to have perseverance, hope and confidence in the sovereignty of God. In His perfect time He gives us the 'successes' we long to see. A better job than what we'd hope for. A burst of new kids through the church doors for youth and the willingness of a defiant friend to come to church on what may be the 10th invite.
As for weakness, well God wants me to know His strength in every situation. If I could do things in my own strength, navigate my way through the maze of life on my own resources, how would I ever realise my need for God. Maybe my very weakness is what exposes the strength of God in my own life. Maybe my weaknesses are at the very route of a life-changing testimony. And maybe exposing them to people would not only expose an individual who needs the one true, gracious and merciful God-a God who is slow to anger and rich in love- but an individual who is weak, needy and dependent on the strength of this God for survival. I want to be more patient, more humble, more submissive to God's authority. I want to persevere more, have more hope, be more confident in the sovereignty of God. I want to be more weak in and of myself...because I want to be more strong in the Lord. Maybe if I can just be less, God can make me more.
